Wow, I haven’t posted for such a long time. I went through a bit of a phase where I was overwhelmingly happy, all my friends were home from university and I was planning on going to uni myself (although it didn’t seem like I would ever really leave home!) I was going out, having fun and not doing the same, dull routine.
I had to have another operation in July to remove yet another lump in my neck and I think I went back into limbo for a while. I honestly thought the results would be so bad I wouldn’t be able to go to university so I didn’t even think about it. When the results came back clear I was shocked to say the least, even when I was sitting in the room about to be told I thought I was going to be sick or faint, it was one of the worst moments so far. So all was good, it was a cyst which has been removed (yet another scar to lure in the boys, lucky me!) but it was all clear, which is all that matters.
It’s weird when you finally get the all clear, they almost say ‘Well done, you beat it…off you go, big wide world is waiting for you’. I had spent a year in the bubble of hospitals, the word cancer floating in and out of my head and impending treatment hanging over my head. Then I was turfed out into the real world quicker than I could blink.
I then had a month to prepare for university, emotionally prepare myself for the massive step and move out. Having the cancer knocked me back a lot, I couldn’t go out with friends to the town without having a panic attack before and wanting to crawl into my bed and hide from the world. So leaving my parents to go and live in a different town with a group of people I didn’t even know was terrifying to say the least. The weeks leading up to it I was a different person, moody and sulky, I didn’t want to pack, I didn’t want to do anything. When I got there I moved into a kitchen which was disgusting (actually disgusting isn’t a strong enough word) There was mouldy food everywhere, liquidised food dripping through the fridge and dead bugs all over the counter tops. The smell inside was stomach churning.
I was shocked, to move into a university halls that charged £120 a week and provided a kitchen so disgusting I couldn’t cook in it.
To cut a really long story short I was moved to a different floor after a new boy moved in who was very creepy and liked to lock people in the kitchen with him (not what I went to university for, although some girls would probably not say the same about themselves.)
I moved to the fourth floor and had a lot of fun, I met a lovely group of people and was very happy. Freshers wasn’t exactly all it had been cracked up to be, that is definitely something everyone builds up so much that it is a bit of a let down, but I still loved it!
Then lectures started. I didn’t enjoy them at all, I was uninterested, I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t want to do the reading and I didn’t want to do the work. I was utterly baffled. I had been so excited about learning again, writing and being back in education but when I was there I hated it.
It was a tough time, I had to look at it from the education side because I knew I couldn’t pay £30 000 for a social life that I really loved. I gave it another week and decided I couldn’t do it, I was getting depressed, I was crying constantly and couldn’t eat. After the year I have had I made the decision, my happiness was way more important than a degree, a lot more important than a piece of paper telling a future employer that I can read and write.
I left university this week and have already been back up to halls to visit my friends, I think I have the best of both worlds right now, and if I decide I should have stuck with it and got the degree I can reapply and try again.
The thing that makes me angry is that all my school ever talked about was university, we were told of nothing else, it is all university and it’s ridiculous. The system is warped around money, education and our unhappiness. I hope that one day schools will talk about universities, apprenticeships, internships, and the big wide world of work equally, because all I ever heard of was uni.
So that is a quick catch up of the last few months! Sorry for the rant and the essay, and sorry for the silence, I hope that now I might be a little more motivated to blog more often.